Backwards Walking

Several of my friends have been doing the East Coast college tour gauntlet. Even though it's been over ten years since Lucy and I crisscrossed the Atlantic seaboard, I still have occasional traumatic flashbacks. We actually took two trips before she settled on her school which, happily, wanted her. On the first jaunt we borrowed Sally's car and put a thousand miles on it. There was a lot of rejection on that trip. Lucy rejected every school we saw, one after another. Vassar was too quiet, although it had the loveliest tree I've ever seen. Stately and over three hundred years old, it was majestic. I was sold on the tree alone, but Lucy had other criteria. Tufts was too urban. NYU was so urban it didn't even have a campus. Step out of a class and you could be hit by a cab. Wesleyan was too politically correct. Middlebury and Colgate - too remote. Dartmouth was too preppy and Skidmore had ugly architecture.

Lucy is a typical, high-achieving oldest child. She has lots of motivation and drive, but it comes with a very dark side. An agenda. I didn't fully experience this until we took a trip to Disneyland when she was about ten. Lana and Allie were happy to ride "It's a Small World" over and over. Once they met Mickey and Goofy they were completely satisfied. Lucy had her agenda and God help you if you got between her and her goals. Being like that myself, it's something I understand. Understanding doesn't make me fear it any less. When the little darling announced that she had crossed off all the rides she'd had on her list, I was so relieved I was ready to kiss the ground Snow White walked on. To steal from an old joke, I was practically f**king Goofy.

Disneyland helped me to prepare for college tours, as much as is possible. The agenda was huge -so much riding on it. Even though I tried not to be a crazy, overly involved Mom, I got sucked into the frenzy and probably got too into it. I read a couple books on college admissions which helped sort things out. No, you don't need to go to a private high school in order to be accepted into an excellent college. Yes, being well-rounded matters and yes the odds increase if you apply early decision because it helps the school increase their yield. It's all a numbers game. The right college is out there for you, if you look correctly.

All of this was new to me because I never went to sleep-away college. I graduated from high school a year early and moved to Hollywood with my boyfriend, the drummer. At seventeen, I went to sleep-away life. I knew about a lot of things, but dorms and meal plans were not among them. I studied architecture for two years in Los Angeles but didn't have the discipline to finish my program, which was a shame. I was extremely proud to finally get my BA, after two kids. By then, I was thirty. I graduated the same year Lucy graduated from pre-school. We both graduated with honors. When I finally got my diploma from San Francisco State on a rainy day in May, she was with me.

Lucy and I had such different starts in life and I always wanted hers to be better, easier. She had worked so hard at school and sports and after- school jobs. With her all-consuming social life I'm not sure how she found the time to study at all. She put so much effort into her life, I wanted to support her as much as possible, but it wasn't always easy. Shopping for colleges stretched me to the limit. It's hard to trust someone with huge life choices when they are incapable of unloading a dishwasher without complaining. And where did she get all these opinions? No, I don't want to go to college in California. No, I don't even want to look at any colleges in California. No, I don't want to look at Oberlin even though your entire family went there and I'd be a multiple legacy applicant. It's still a Fly Over school. Sigh.

I don't know whether it was before or after Boston, but we were in Vermont so we could tour Middlebury College. Lucy had a friend who attended the school and she would spend the night with them. I had booked myself into a local bed and breakfast. By this time I was on my last nerve, and mind you I only had three to begin with. I was beyond frazzled when I dropped her off. On to the B & B, stopping at a convenience store on the way to pick up some essentials No, not one bourbon, one scotch and one beer. One banana, one yogurt and one beer.

When I arrived at my destination the owners were out and had left me a note. My room was upstairs and I was welcome to anything in the kitchen. All I needed to do was get past the dogs who were in there barking. As I was standing there trying to muster up the gumption to face the dogs, the hall phone rang. Not sure what else to do, I answered it. The caller asked for Lucy! It was a friend of hers from California. Even in the middle of nowhere, there was no escape.

I was too afraid of the dogs to venture into the kitchen for a bottle opener so I went up to my room. I drew a bath and looked around. No way to open a beer. I finally used the drawer pull on an antique dresser. I'm sure Lucy had no such issues that night visiting her friend on the college campus even though she was just seventeen. Beer and beer openers were no doubt plentiful. It was kind of like the time I realized that, because of the teenagers, the adults in the house had to sneak around to have sex. The kids were definitely drinking more beer and probably having more sex, too. Isn't it ironic?

The next day we took yet another interesting, exhausting tour of an incredibly beautiful campus in an idyllic location. I had to laugh about how good the guides were at walking backwards while also smiling, talking and pointing out critical features of the college. Looking at schools is a LOT like looking at property. You concentrate so hard, trying to catch every, little nuance, processing, filtering, judging. You compare and contrast, store mental images and small impressions. At least that's what the parents do. The kids just wake up from yet another nap about when you arrive and make snap judgments based on factors invisible to adults. While researching our second tour I found a website that really helped. I put in Lucy's specific criteria. She had narrowed the search to a small, liberal arts school, with a great art department and no Greek life where she could play Division III water polo. The first school that popped up was Connecticut College. And guess what? It's not just for women, anymore.

I loved that it had an arboretum and a tree to rival Vassar's. It was halfway between New York and Boston. We pulled up the drive, took one look at the beautiful, old limestone buildings and Lucy was sold. She applied Early Decision, but the process was not without its drama. Despite endless nagging, the applications were mailed (so old school) on the final day and hour of the deadline. The printer at home ran out of ink and we went to my office before rushing to the post office. There were fears. Conn College was highly ranked and very competitive. Even though Lucy had an academic 4.0, she graduated thirty- third in her class. Being from California helped. Geopraphic diversity matters. Tamalpais High School had fantastic art classes and she sent wonderful slides of her work. They wanted her on the water polo team, but, still, you wait and wonder. The acceptance package (the much anticipated large envelope) arrived on February 18th, Allie's tenth birthday.

My dreams for Lucy came true. Her hard work and single-mindedness paid off. She got a bachelor's degree in fine art and graduated with distinction. She started working in graphic design and leased a beautiful apartment in San Francisco where she still lives. Lucy is now working at a great design firm. She's been able to take some incredible trips to the other side of the world. On the eve of her twenty-ninth birthday, she's in a relationship with someone who also went to Connecticut College. Who knows? Maybe we were on the campus tour with him.